Extended shoe giveaway; more on black women's wealth

Today's super busy at the 9-5 so no full post, just a round-up.

First, I've decided to extend the deadline to get your questions in for the women's shoe giveaway until March 30 instead of March 15 because I've gotten so many great questions that I haven't had time to answer them all. So ladies, you've got the rest of the month to ask me a question here, tweet me or ask me on formspring.

I'm giving away a pair of the shoes pictured below from ShoesGotSole for the best personal finance question from a woman this month (March is Women's History Month). The shoes are being provided by CSN Stores, which also sells kids bedding, modern furniture and other things, so be sure to check them out in thanks for hooking up the giveaway.

Next week, I'm going to go hard some more on this data about black women and wealth. Earlier this week I posted the results of research that found single black women's median wealth was lower than that of married couples and that of single black, white and Hispanic men or women.

This morning I saw a report of new Federal Reserve data showing that net worth nationally rose slightly for the third straight quarter. That's good news during a deep recession but it begs the question of whether black women's abysmal net worth is following the trend. I'll get into that next week.

As well, the inevitable, which I hoped wouldn't happen did: people are using the black men-black women's net worth data to fuel more played-out "gender wars" conversations. Someone texted me last night about a conversation in which the data came up and some men were calling black women "greedy" and "too ambitious". So I'm going to do some thinking and a few interviews and dig into why the data is definitely NOT fuel for an "us vs. them" conversation.

Have a great weekend and check back in next week.

When she makes more

I got three questions yesterday from a woman who wanted my opinion on her friend's pre-marital financial situation. The questions paralleled yesterday's post about income inequity in relationships (i.e., who makes more and more importantly, who cares).

Long story short, in a couple that plans to get married soon the woman makes far more than the man. They have a joint checking account and the lower-earning man wants to use some of the money from that account toward starting a business (or as the questioner put it, for his "business schemes).

I don't know much about what kind of business he plans to do or exactly how much of an income disparity we're talking about, so I have to go on what I'm told is a very big income gap between the two. There are three questions here, and I'm answering them separately:

Do you beleive in pre nup/financial agreements between couples who are getting married? Especially if it is a significant difference in salaries?

I don't think your current financial situation matters to whether or not you get a prenup; I believe everyone should seriously think about having one.

Remember that prenuptial agreements aren't just about where you are before you get married. They're legal documents that are supposed to be structured to protect people's assets and interests in the (hopefully unlikely) event of a divorce. Everyone who gets married knows that divorce is a possibility, though most people, rightfully, don't want to focus on that.

A difference in salaries as an engaged couple might make someone more likely to want one, but that doesn't mean folks of the same income levels shouldn't also consider one.

If there is money left after monthly expenses in the joint account, should one partner use the leftover for personal reasons I.e starting your own business?

That should be a decision made by both partners. If the money is coming from funds that have been jointly saved, that technically -- and probably legally -- would give both people equity in whatever business venture was being started. In other words, if I take money from OUR joint account, I'm automatically making YOU an investor in whatever business I start.

So the other party should be as active in investigating and doing any vetting any business opportunities and if they're not comfortable, the business plan needs to be tweaked or scrapped.

What is a fair percentage for couples to put in joint account? If one spouse makes more should they put more in joint account? Should a percentage of individual bonuses be put in the joint account?

I think contributing to joint accounts on a percentage basis is a good idea because it makes both partners responsible at the same level of their contributions, regardless of income. If a couple were to contribute a particular dollar amount of their salaries, the partner making more money would obviously be able to contribute that more easily -- and perhaps at a smaller percentage of his or her salary -- than the partner with the lower income. But if both agree to save, say, 30 percent, both know that they're giving at the same level, though the partner with the higher income will be contributing more on a dollar basis.

But more important than how much is how the decision gets made. This is something to be talked about and agreed to together. If a couple can come to an amicable solution together about how much each person contributes to expenses, savings, investments and other goals, that's a good start for them.

I sincerely hope these answers reach the couple they're intended for and that they make the commitment to get some financial counseling before they leap into marriage. Unfortunately, the only thing that breaks up marriages more than money is infidelity, so making sure there's a solid commitment in romance and in finance is key to making it last.

Good luck in love.

Who should be the breadwinner

Does it matter who the "breadwinner" is in your relationship?

It's a question personal finance guru Suze Orman asked her audience over the weekend. She was directing the question specifically at men, positing that when men say "it doesn't matter", that typically means it does bother us.

I disagree: I think it really doesn't bother most men if their SO makes more cash than they do. Anyone 40 or younger has certainly grown up in an era of high-earning career women, single mothers and, when people get married, two-income households. I can say with certainty that every man I count among my friends wants a woman who works -- at least while they're a childless as a couple. We're all fully aware dating a working woman means she might make more than we do, overall income disparities notwithstanding.

What men will resent is being disrespected because we make less money than our partner. I don't know anyone who would tolerate that, or who should.

What's your take? Men, do you prefer making more money than your girlfriend or wife? Women, does it matter to you at all?

What's worse: cheating or hiding debt?

I'm stealing this question from CNN's Jack Cafferty who asked it on the air the other day.

My own opinion: neither is worse than the other. Both things are bound to ruin a relationship. Most marriages end over two things: infidelity or money, and it's easy to see why. A person who's dishonest about money is exhibiting the same character traits as someone who's not honest about what they're doing sexually. It shows a lack of trust, a lack of faith in the relationship and that that person doesn't have a level of commitment to the relationship that would allow it to work.

What's your take? Do you think your relationship has a better chance to survive cheating or your partner lying about how much debt they have?

Should couples have joint accounts?

Q: Do you think it is smart for couples (married or not) to have a joint bank account? What are the pros and cons of one? (submitted via Formspring)

A: If they're married, yes. There many good reasons for married couples to merge at least some, if not most, of their money. Marriage is a life partnership and besides raising children together, managing finances is about the most obvious example how effective that partnership is.

At the very least, there should be a joint checking account from which regular monthly bills are paid (and both people should contribute to this account). Couples should probably also have joint savings accounts for specific goals, emergencies or major purchases. It's easier to save for a home, vacation, new car or any other toys when two people stack their money together. This is why I think marriages are the best possible example of cooperative economics (that's Ujamaa if you celebrate Kwanzaa.)

That said, there are good reasons every person should have personal accounts, too. Everyone needs his or her own cash for personal use in emergencies or just discretionary purchases. NO adult should have to clear each and every expenditure by another person (#cmonson, what I look like asking the gf/wife if I can spend $100 on stuff I don’t need from Best Buy to take the boys to have a nice day out?).

We've all heard horror stories about jilted spouses finding out that their exes cleaned out the joint account and left them with nothing. That's not where you want to end up, either.

I don't think it's a good idea to merge finances before there's a serious commitment to the relationship. At the very least, a couple should be engaged before they make financial commitments like looking for a house together or opening joint accounts. Before I give you access to all my money, I kindasorta wanna know that you actually, um, plan to be with me.

Is it 'trickin' if you got it...and want to give it?

Another interesting question from Formspring:

How do you feel about relationships where one person financially takes care of the other (usually happens when there is an age gap)? Some would deem this as a Sugar Daddy/Mama type of relationship. What are your thoughts on it?

That depends. You know a rich miss looking to sponsor my 33rd birthday party this month? If so, she can call me.

Seriously, I'd be careful about labeling anyone's relationships since everyone does what works for their situations. Is a woman a "Sugar Mama" if she helps her man work his way through college or starting a business? Is a man 'trickin' if his wife or girlfriend is able to stay home to focus on her goals or help with family or household matters?

The point I'm making is that in order to make our financial and romantic relationships harmonious, people need to stop relying on tired, rehashed and stereotypical portrayals of how we behave toward each other when money is involved. Clearly no one wants to be used. No man wants to end up with a "gold-digger" attached to his wallet and no woman wants some lazy, deadbeat man attached to her purse.

But I think those situations lie so far outside the mean that most of us will never have to worry about being someone's Sugar Mama or Daddy (unless we want to be). Meanwhile, most of us have real, common issues in our financial lives that we really need to straighten out before we can be decent romantic-financial partners with anyone else. We'd all do better to focus on those.

Dating: when she makes more

This question came in from Formspring the other day, anonymously. I think it was intended as a personal question, but it has implications for an issue that I think a lot of people deal with in their romantic-financial relationships:

Would you date a woman that makes more money than you? Do you think situations like that (where a woman makes more) makes a relationship more difficult than when a man makes more than the woman?

I would and have dated women with higher incomes than mine. Moreover, I don't think that income alone makes any relationship more or less difficult to navigate.

What does make a huge difference is people's attitudes and habits about money. If either person lacks financial discipline, there's certain to be resentment on the part of the other party about how much money is being spent. That's especially true if the less-disciplined person is the one who earns the least -- imagine the #cmonson look on your face when you brought home your $100k a year paycheck and found your $45k partner went on their third shopping spree this month.

A bigger problem is when one person views money as a proxy for power in the relationship. Neither men nor women should hold their higher incomes above their partners' heads. Both sides have to check their egos at the door where money is concerned. If you feel you have the right to belittle or disrespect your partner because you make more money than they do, you probably don't deserve their love regardless of whether you're a man or a woman.

By the same token, you're probably not mature enough to accept love and handle a serious relationship if you're not humble enough to accept that your partner makes more than you. But those aren't money problems, they're ego and personality problems.

Coming in 2010

Hey, everybody! Sorry it's been a minute since I posted. The good news is I've been spending a lot of time planning what this blog will look like in 2010. Here are a few things you should look for:

More social, more Q&A
After experimenting with posting questions on Facebook and Twitter, I've decided the best approach to interaction is to let you ask the bulk of the questions. After all, you know what your biggest financial concerns are. I'll still be available for you to follow and ask me questions on Twitter but I'm also going to be using a new social tool called Formspring. Bookmark my page and leave your personal finance or economics questions for me to answer anytime. The best will wind up as blog posts here.

For the love of money
I don't know if it's because I'm in my early 30s and everyone I know is confused about cash and coupling, or if it's simply a sign of the times, but at least half of the questions people ask me concern how to handle money in relationships. Since there's so much interest in the topic, I've decided to make it an area of focus on the blog in 2010, putting it right up there with my $0 Balance Challenge. So if you're trying to figure out how to get your money and your honey together, this is the place to be in 2010.

Getting and staying debt-free
Speaking of that Zero-Balance Challenge, I plan on expanding and developing it in 2010. You'll see me partner with other bloggers and institutions to give you the best advice, support and information on how to reduce your credit-card debt to zero and keep it there. We'll also be selecting a few readers to tell their personal stories of how they got out of debt or stayed there. Check in often and keep that plastic in your pocket.

image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

Is your 'ideal mate" checklist keeping you broke?

I'm stealing today from another blogger. Adrienne Samuels is Ebony magazine's senior writer and someone I count among my best friends and favorite people on earth. Yesterday she blogged her take on the flaws with many young people's approach to coupling.

Why's that relevant to a blog about personal finance? Because like I've stated before, even in my own singleness I understand the connection between marriage and accumulation of long-term wealth. But Adrienne takes it a step further, drawing a connection between how you date and how you think about choosing a partner and your long-term wealth potential:

Look around at folks in their 50s, 60s and 70s. The reason why many of them...drive Cadillacs, have big houses, tithe thousands of dollars to church and can take fab trips to Athens or to Jamaica now that their kids are out of college is because they pulled their money together and made their finances WORK when they were a young couple.

Everybody wants the perfectly perfect mate with the perfect social status, income, car, home, brains and physical looks. Everyone wants to marry up. But guess what? Marrying up is a fairy tale ideal that doesn’t really translate well to today’s society. You want up? Get up there yourself.

One caveat to a point she made: Baby Boomers didn't all get the trappings of success because they married and worked real hard. Our parents' generation also left a legacy of messy, costly divorces and financed much of their lifestyles with credit, a legacy that we're all paying dearly for now.

Still, Adrienne's point holds. Too many people want for insta-fab relationships that come with all the luxuries of a romantic comedy where everybody lives fab and has no wrinkles (think The Best Man, "The Brothers"). She offers a much simpler, more workable approach:

Rather than looking for a rich mate, why not look for a mate to get rich with?

Read Adrienne's blog here.

Talking love and money with black girls

Yep, I held it down. Took on not one, but two women in a live discussion about love and money, and of course, the kid won.

No, seriously, folks, on Tuesday I was in a lively discussion on That Black Girl Radio (become a fan on blogtalkradio) about the complexities of talking and managing money in our relationships.

We discussed everything from how your parents' relationship to money will affect your relationships with your partner, to planning for a financial future together to whether women really will go out with a guy with nothing more to offer up than a picnic basket. We also took live comments via chat.

Great fun. Thanks to host Corynne Corbett of ThatBlackGirlSite and S. Tia Brown, who now knows I'm always right! Looking forward to doing it again.

Money & Relationships on BlogTalkRadio today!

Is discussing money more or less important than discussing sex in a relationship? It's an interesting question that I plan to bring up today on That Black Girl Show, the blogtalkradio show I'm doing at 1 pm eastern today. If you know anything about me as a person, you know my conversation with host Corynne Corbett and her guest S. Tia King will be entertaining at the least, so you don't want to miss it. Click here to listen and dial in at (347) 996-3308.

Is it hard for couples to talk money?

Hope everyone had a great weekend and got a good start on your $0 Debt Challenge. By now, you should have taken account of how much total credit card debt you have, looked at your own budget and decided whether you're going to pay off one card or all of your credit card debt over the next 12 months. You should have found some image - whether it's your last bill or something you'd like to buy or do when the card is paid off -- that will motivate you to stay on task. If you're already credit card debt-free, you should be envisioning your next outlandish goal. Either way, I'm looking forward to hearing from you with you all with stories of your progress. Good luck.

Now for today's topic: money and relationships. On Tuesday at 1 pm Eastern, I'll be on Blogtalkradio talking with Corynne Corbett of ThatBlackGirlSite and journalist S. Tia Brown, answering the question of why it's difficult for couples to discuss money. We're taking your calls, so jump into the conversation at (347) 996-3308. If you just want to listen in, here's the link. Be sure to tweet that.

I'll be as fair as I can, but mostly I'm there to represent for men, so ladies, don't hold it against me. I'd love to hear your stories and thoughts on the topic, so post away in the comments or tweet me @k_dot_re.

Have a great week.

photo courtesy Lucell Trammer